Friday, November 09, 2007

So for the first time since I left Canada, I’m stagnating. It’s not just a feeling I’ve been having recently, but a general fact. It's not something I’ve been doing deliberately or even due to a lack of motivation or effort either. The universe seems to be conspiring against me in order to keep me in a place of ever constant stasis. There are no progressions, but also no digressions, just a lot of standing around in one place with thoughts of moving forward flowing through my otherwise idle brain. A routine has developed now. Not the worst one I admit, but a routine none the less, and one that is taking me nowhere. For some this would be fine, but at the age of twenty four, I can’t help but feel that now is my time for action. The difficulties of getting film work, even unpaid temp positions in the French cinema industry have long ago crushed most of my hopes for success in that field prior to my return to Canada. Perhaps I can continue to be creative? I shot a film last year before setting out on my trip. It does not appear to want to be edited. As soon as I arrived in this apartment, my friend’s computer, which was to be left to me during his absence, crashed. I’ve spent much time and money trying to repair the damn thing but whenever it seems that things may be looking up, a minor problem prevents me from achieving my modest goal of editing the film. French beurocratic bullshit has also gotten my goat as of late, but I have no intent on boring the already bored reader with that nonsense, despite to say that it’s a circular process leading from one establishment to another, foolishly thinking your problems will soon be resolved as the people leading you on this wild goose chase snicker behind you knowingly as you walk out the door. Despite being a citizen, I can’t even open a bank account in this country in order to cash the pay check I just earned.
So why am I still here? First, it’s Paris, second I have an unbelievably cheap apartment, third, the new girlfriend and fourth, the hope that some time soon, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but possibly the day after, I may escape this rut and actually accomplish something. I’m probably kidding myself, but hey, I like jokes, so I’m waiting around for the punch line.
I suppose this is the reason I haven’t written in this thing for a while. Despite my complaints, I have been having fun here, going to chocolate conventions and gorging myself on free samples, exploring bone filled catacombs under the city, daytrips out of Paris to small towns, staying up all night playing video games, watching countless free movies from my work and even eating expensive French food I can’t afford now and then. So why am I complaining? Forget it. I’m not.